Tis the Season to be Jolly

It's the happiest time of the year!
Christmas is just around the corner, then it'll be New Years.
I would like to reflect on the previous year for a little bit.
My life changed drastically, from losing a job to moving out to the city on my own and landing a new job.
Overall I would have to say that it's been great so far. All the pieces are coming together rather well and things are going great.
I love my new job, love the people that I work with and will continue to strive in this company.
My living situation, it could definitely improve. I will find a new place once the lease is over because I want my own space.
So much has happened over the past year and I am grateful that I get to see the start of another year.
I don't think I say this enough but I need to show love to my family more and be appreciative of what they've done for me.
To end a great year, I will be consistent with my workout and hopefully accomplish my goal of being more healthy and fit for the new year. I will continue my goal on improving my body.

remember to tell your loved one everyday how much you love them.
I pray for the ones that has lost their loved one <3


Peace && Love,

Yours Truly
GZ

TGTBT

Too Good To Be True.
I thought the title would be appropriate for this post. Afterall, life seemed too good to be true, until  yesterday.

I realized that girls have this tendency, to dig for trouble when things are just too smooth sailing.
That's exactly what I did.
Everything was goodie goodie, us fooling around on the bed while watching TV, talking about our future kids and stare intensively into each others eyes as if nothing else in the world mattered to us.

Then for some reason, I had doubts. Doubt that everything that I have with youwas real. Doubt that what you were saying and acting was true.
The moment that I invaded your privacy, I knew it was wrong and I knew it was going to be bad.
But for some reason, I didn't stop. I couldn't stop. And I continue to dig for trouble.

As I was going through page by page, my heart tightens everytime I see her name popping up.
And I start brainstorming, what was he doing looking at these pictures? what was he thinking? does he miss her? why is he looking?

And realize that I want answers.

Although I realize what I did was wrong, and hurtful. I wanted to know what you were thinking.
As easy as you put it, if I just asked you and you would've told me. I guess that's not what I was looking for. I wanted evidence, support, anything that might've pointed in the wrong direction. Why? because things were too good to be true. It was too good for me to think that we're perfect together and that things will always be this perfect. Too good for me to believe that everything was smooth sailing and that there were no issues. Which led me to believe that you might be hiding something, covering your tracks, doing something that you shouldnt be doing.

I know what you're thinking, you need to trust me
And yes I do trust you- but just not when it comes to this topic. Why you may ask.
You should know why. Because from the beginning you carried the baggage from the past with you.
You should've marked the line and you didnt, which led to many of our arguments and disagreements.
And yet even months after, you still did not do what you should've done a long time ago. To cut her out of your life completely. To leave the past behind because it is not your future.
And that is your answer as to why I don't trust you when it comes to the topic.
She's the issue and it took you way too long to realize it. And I don't believe its fair for me to had to deal with all the bullshit that it put us through.

Among many other things that led to this doubt. And you did not try to make things better in any way through it all.
Remember that scrap book you promised? or that Collage? Yes I remember you said those things, but you have yet to show it through your actions.

So why should I believe the things you say to me now? If all you've done is run your mouth but never made it happen. Especially the things that was suppose to reassure me for the mistakes that you have done.

That's what caused my distrust in you. And you need to understand where I am coming from. But I can't blame you if you dont. Why? Because I never put you through the same bullshit. I was more considerate than that.

Incomplete

You've only been gone for 2 and a half days and I feel weird.
Weird as in somethings missing, something that's a part of me is not there. I feel... absolutely incomplete.
I do not feel like myself, as if I don't know who I am without you.

People always say "Distances makes the heart grow fonder" and it is quite true.
I miss you, every waking moments.
No even in my sleep because I have no one to cuddle with, fight the blanket with, push off the bed, and keep me warm!

This is what true love feels like. But although you're in a different zone, I know you're still here with me.
Keeping me company and missing me just as much.

olive you FF.

<3
GF

Flaws

I'm sorry, sincerely sorry for the pain that I have caused you with my words.
The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt you.
I did not mean the way it came out- and yes I know I have a problem with bluntly speaking my mind before filtering through my thoughts.
I know it probably means absolutely nothing by apologizing now, but I still want you know that I'm sorry.
Sorry for changing the way we are
Sorry for bringing this gap between us
Sorry for being heartless and hurting you like that
Sorry for being inconsiderate
and lastly, sorry for the doubt I created that you have about us.

I don't ever want you to doubt me, doubt us, doubt our future.
And hearing you say those words scares me. It shocks me and hurts to know that you no longer believe in us, and that we can make it to the end- together.
I don't know how much I can do right now to change your mind, to put the happy us back in your back. And lastly, to earn your trust and faith in us again.

But you can take my word that I will do my best to change, and I will act up on it. To change my "dragonesque" ways, to learn to respect others and handle you with care.
I will not treat you like my punching bag.

Sometimes, when you realize that you are going to ( or have lost) someone that you truly care about and love, that moment changes your perception. And that moment when you were going to walk out my life, I was terrified and couldn't imagine a life without you.

I've never ever thought about changing myself for anyone else, and have never felt this threatened in my life, whereas I feel that my life would end without you.

Take my plea, take my words that I will change my flaws to be a better person for you and for myself.
I don't expect you to completely forgive me yet, I will earn your faith in me and I know I can.
Because I love you so much that I can't lose you. And I won't let that happen.
We are meant to be together, forever :)

<3
FF

why can't you be the bigger person? why did you start a fight over insignificant stuff?
These are the questions that I am asking myself.
One of the flaws you have is that you have to have things YOUR way. The way you like it.
And you're like a ticking bomb. Once you get upset, you stay upset for days.
Why let something so small ruin your day or even week? Is it worth it?
You need to learn to let go, forgive and amend.
Stop being a stubborn child. Stop being a kid.
Stop playing with words and try to find arguments in them.
You have common sense and you know what I mean
but yet you will try to find the flaw in my words to win the argument.
Stop being a prick.

This is something that you need to change about yourself.
I've been patient, but I don't know how much longer I can deal with this.

end of my thought.

Good Life

The title of this post says it all.
I thought my unemployment would last long- but God is looking out for me.
Things are looking up real good ( not that it wasn't great before)!
I am excited for the next chapter- no next series of books of my life.
:) But the best is because I have a great family, fabulous boyfriend and supportive friends.
<3

GZ

Resentment and Forgiveness

"Forgive, sounds good, forget, I dont know if I could.
They say time heals everything, and I'm still waiting"

Okay here goes the spill.
I hate how stubborn, pitiful, unforgiving, you can be. And it shows signs of immaturity.
In other words, stop being a big baby and get over it. Yes, stop being a girl and be a man.
I want a man to take care of me, not a little girl arguing about pointless crap.
I get the point and its not your fault but I am not going to apologize because it is not my fault either.
You have you pet peeves that I have to apparently live religiously by. And I have my pet peeves that I dislike to the max. I understand what happened was not your fault and did not mean to sound "bitchy", but I was annoyed just like how you would be if you were in my shoes. But the fact that you don't want me to whine or even complain about it is absurd. News flash: I did whine and I will continue to whine about certain things. AND it is your job to deal with it. I don't think you'll find a girl that won't whine about anything. If you do find a girl like that, then props to you. On top of that, you continued to be "annoyed" and stayed mad over (safe to say stupidest little thing) through out the rest of the day. And you wanted me to apologize. I will not apologize because 1) not my fault 2) suck it up. Yes you need to suck it up and let that shit go because guess what? Now's not the time for YOU to be pissed about anything. You have no right to be annoyed/ angry about anything I do, especially since you effed up not so long ago. And guess what, I let that go. I'm sure we both can agree that was in a much larger scale than this is and I said I can forgive you. But now thinking back, maybe I shouldn't have ( and I haven't fully forgiven you yet). And it seems like you think everything is fine and will go back to normal and we'll be all golly again. It's not and it wont be for a while, especially since you cant prove to me that you actually care enough to try to make me heal better.
bottom line: you fucked up- bad, I can't forgive you, and I havent forgiven you. and the moment that you screwed up, everything we had was tainted. My heart dropped and I was heartbroken and numb.
And you wonder why I doubt you or question you, because you gave me a reason to.
And all I'm wondering is WHY, why did you have to ruin something so good from the start. Why were you acting like an idiot and didn't process it in your head. Why I ask you. We could've been something so great together, and now I can't promise you if there will be a future for us.

You always wondered why I was so negative lately, well you know why.
Since you got so annoyed at my calling you because you dont feel like talking to me- did you think that maybe I needed to talk to you about something important? So next time instead of blowing me off the phone so quickly for your selfish reasons. Think again. A relationship is about TWO people and thinking about the OTHER person over yourself. Maybe you're not ready to be in a relationship with another person and is better off on your own.

At this moment: I hate you, you annoy me, I dont want to talk to you so I can think if this is what I want.
and maybe you should take this time to process things in your head and figure out what YOU need to do to fix your mistakes and the resentment you have created. I always you were different from other guys, that you were considerate and smart and get the hint and will treat me the way a girl should be treated. But I guess I expected too much. It was too good to be true eh. And it was all a facade

you keep on being stupid and yet I keep on letting it go and not make a big deal out of it. But if you're gonna make a big deal out of something so minimal then I dont see why I have to be the bigger person.

there goes my rant. however you take it is up to you. there is no filter and this is how I feel.
you know how to find me.

GZ

Listen to your head or follow your heart

I never thought I'd be in the situation that I am in right now.
At least never with you.
But now I'm standing at a crossroad where I don't know which way I should go.
I feel  aloof, hurt, and disappointed.
I know you're sorry and has asked for forgiveness.
And I want to forgive you but somethings holding me back and I don't know why.
It's a feeling that I can't quite put words to describe it.
My heads saying one thing and my heart is saying another.
I just don't know if I can ever look at you or feel about you in the way I did before.
And I don't know how long it'll take me to "recover".
Maybe you're right, maybe its me.
And this is my chance to work on myself. My self- esteem especially with this situation.
But a girls six sense never fails her, and I felt it from the start.
Maybe I'm over analyzing everything, but my idea was reinforced through this whole time.
And I can't just put it aside anymore, can't ignore the insecurity anymore
Not after this time.
I need time, to think, to analyze and to figure out the best solution for me.

"Time heals what reason cannot"

When I'm with you, I feel like a queen on top of the world.
When I'm not with you, I'm constantly thinking about our times together.
Either ways, you're constantly on my mind like a disease.
But I can't stop this feeling.
The thoughts of you make me smile so deeply in my heart.
This is what love feels like- please don't ever stop.

I can't wait for the future. can't wait to see where our paths lead us
can't wait to be with you forever

<3
GZ

Content

My mom has always told me,
others will be jealous of you. And now I see why.
I have the best of friends, the perfect rounded family and a loving boyfriend.
I have all the happiness in the world (and more)
There will always be room for improvement but I must be patient.
Patient to believe that God has a great plan for me to make a difference in this world.

Love,
GZ

One door closes

and they say another door opens.

Well let's hope today's the day for that gate to open for me- for a new realm.

I feel that this is my calling, my push to move forward and to challenge my self.
To better my experiences and myself.

now here's my calling

Dear God,

I REALLY want this- so look out for me and I will make it happen

<3
Grace

There's no such thing as a mistake

Because the mistakes made who we are today.

favorite quote " you know a girl's happy when she is not updating her blog :)" 

haha everythings back to where it should be
just simply perfect in our own special way<3
 

what you see is what you get

this is me.

Accept all of me, even my flaws as I accept EVERYTHING about you.

GZ

Fear

What do you know when something so great is about to come to an end.
When everythings changed, all the things we said we weren't going to do.
Yell at each other, be angry, impatient and everything else.

Fear is what I feel right now.
That this is the end for us, that there is no future, no more us.
What do you know when the end gets closer?

But I keep on telling myself, don't give up. Don't get angry and don't lose faith.

What ever happened to the happy, cheerful us? What ever happened to the happily ever after?
What has changed as I keep on asking myself.

The fear of losing you is no longer impossible.

And the thing is, I can't do anything to stop it from happening.

</3

Domino

When one tumbles down, everything else follows.

I thought I can depend on you when I needed you the most, not to make me feel worse.
And you weren't there when that happened.
But rather you left me alone, by myself to handle it all.
And I can carry it all on my very own shoulders.
I don't need anyone, and I don't need you to make it all better

"never depend your happiness on someone else. You make yourself happy"

"the higher you are, the harder you'll fall"

I actually don't know what to say/ write.
Yes, I'm shocked but not angry.
Disappointed but not upset.
But did I see it coming? Of course.
I knew how it was going to end, but for some reason it didn't stop me from it.
What I did was wrong, and I knew it while I was doing it.
But I guess it's all part of human nature to search for things,
to unlock the mystery and the uncertainty.
What was my motive I ask myself.
I honestly don't know. I wasn't searching for anything specific.
More or so to find what I don't know about you, what you've been hiding from me.
And I wondered, will we be here today if we were 100% open with each other from the start.
I've been open from the start but have you? Did you ever ask yourself that question..
And would I have accepted you if you were?

A girls intuition is always right.
My honest truth: I don't think you were being true to me from the start. You might be now but it didn't start that way.
I wasn't your priority and it was all fun and games for you.
And it makes me wonder, if you didn't have the right motive from the start, what makes it the right motive now.
Some girls can be treated like crap and take it.
While others can be the second best.
But I am none of the above. I'm not like the rest.
I will not lose respect or dignity for myself and I will not be second.
All I ask for is, was I on the top of your list or just a replacement?
To replace what you've lost, to fill the void, while you continue to dwell on the past.
If that's the case, then I'm speechless. And I feel cheated- on my emotions and on my time.
If only I had known, then I can guarantee that we would not be here today.

This is not saying that I regret of where we are, but I only wish I had knew everything from the start.
Your certainty and your faithfulness.

You can't control my feelings so it's my choice.
To control how I feel or to forgo it all.

<3

Dream & Live

"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today."
--James Dean

I will dream my future with you 
and cherish every moment that I have.


Carpe Diem 


<3 
GZ

big big world

I've been officially working for a year now. Can you believe that? because I can't.
It seems like I just graduated from college and was still applying to jobs. And I am still applying to jobs.
Recently, it seems that my ambitions have increased and I have more motivation than ever.
I want to strive for the better, for my family, for myself and for you.
I'm happy with where I am, but I want the best for us
There are so many possibilities out there, job opportunities and gateways that can take us endlessly through the world.

I have so many ideas in my head, so many dreams that I want to fulfill in this lifetime.
This year has started off great. This year I will take the initiative to make my dreams come true.

To take classes to further my education, to explore the entrepreneurship possibilities,
to further my relationship with my other half that I love so much and to prosper in any way possible in my life.

I can't see myself with anyone but you
you are my other half, the half that pushes me to do better.
you complement me like a missing piece of a puzzle
and I want to grow old with you

:)
GZ <3

the MIS of life

something so small, can be taken so wrong.

misinterpreted and miscommunication
misjudged and misunderstood

But times like these, brings out the dork in you :)
and makes me realize that you DO care and these things DO matter to you.

No matter what, just know that I won't give up on us if you don't

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=TdN5GyTl8K0

<3
GZ