太委屈

Your judgment. Your choices. And your decisions speaks about what kind of person YOU are and your morals. All this time it's been contradictory and yet you refuse to admit that you were stupid, young, dumb and made bad mistakes. And the fact that you refuse to admit and take it like a mature man, makes me doubt it all. And you know what it comes across? That you're defending her, her character, their character and what kind of person they are. And the fact that you still associated yourself with her even after all that BS disgusts me. The fact that you were able to be her friend is downright disappointing. Didn't your parents ever taught you not to hang out with bad people, people that does not have the right morales. Because it represents what type of person you are. And yet you sit there judging MY friends because they're big, or ugly. But I know one thing- they're not psycho bitch status like her and they will never stoop that low to the things that she's done to you and to other people.
It seems that you are in denial, denial of what type of person she is, and what she's capable of. And no, I don't want you to hate, but to admit to your wrongs for my own sanity check. To know that you know better, smarter than the choices you made before because you were young and that you know what is wrong from right. But the fact that you can't admit to your wrong actions worries me. If I'm capable of admitting my relationship mistakes and admit that I was dumb for getting myself into that type of situation- then you can too.  Why were you trying to create a facade for her? If she made the stupid choice to getting into that debt- then she can damn right get herself out of it or live with it. What pisses me off even more is that you have not spent anywhere close to $2,000 on me. Not even close- and what's even more depressing is that I won't let you spend money like that because I know how hard it is to earn that every penny and I'm not selfish. And that destroys me inside- every bit. Because its unfair to ME.
I had to get this out of my system because its slowly eating me from the inside. And I know if I do not say this now, then there will be no end to it, because I will bring it up and use it against you. I want to get inside your head, to be able to read you and know the why behind it all. how else would we grow and get to know each other in a deeper level? I hope you understand where I'm coming from. Put yourself in my shoes, to the situations that I have to be in because of your lack of judgment and how it affects our future.
And if you truly don't agree with me and doesn't think she's downright psycho and immoral, then I am utterly speechless. And maybe our values and our beliefs are two mismatch puzzles.

太委屈
If only there was a translation for those words that I wrote. But there isn't. And there's no other words that can replace the meaning of it.

Change for better

The start of 2013 will be with change.
Change the way we handle things
Change our attitudes
Change our perspectives
Change our rules and standards
Change the way we interact with each other

to become a changed person for the better.
I am not the only one that needs to reflect on my actions and re-evaluate.
You need to do same

On the other hand, the question of "when should we stop trying to match two misfit puzzles together?" is constantly running through my head.

When should we stop trying? If ever.. and how do you know its time?
Time to let go and move on...

<3
GZ

Tis the Season to be Jolly

It's the happiest time of the year!
Christmas is just around the corner, then it'll be New Years.
I would like to reflect on the previous year for a little bit.
My life changed drastically, from losing a job to moving out to the city on my own and landing a new job.
Overall I would have to say that it's been great so far. All the pieces are coming together rather well and things are going great.
I love my new job, love the people that I work with and will continue to strive in this company.
My living situation, it could definitely improve. I will find a new place once the lease is over because I want my own space.
So much has happened over the past year and I am grateful that I get to see the start of another year.
I don't think I say this enough but I need to show love to my family more and be appreciative of what they've done for me.
To end a great year, I will be consistent with my workout and hopefully accomplish my goal of being more healthy and fit for the new year. I will continue my goal on improving my body.

remember to tell your loved one everyday how much you love them.
I pray for the ones that has lost their loved one <3


Peace && Love,

Yours Truly
GZ

TGTBT

Too Good To Be True.
I thought the title would be appropriate for this post. Afterall, life seemed too good to be true, until  yesterday.

I realized that girls have this tendency, to dig for trouble when things are just too smooth sailing.
That's exactly what I did.
Everything was goodie goodie, us fooling around on the bed while watching TV, talking about our future kids and stare intensively into each others eyes as if nothing else in the world mattered to us.

Then for some reason, I had doubts. Doubt that everything that I have with youwas real. Doubt that what you were saying and acting was true.
The moment that I invaded your privacy, I knew it was wrong and I knew it was going to be bad.
But for some reason, I didn't stop. I couldn't stop. And I continue to dig for trouble.

As I was going through page by page, my heart tightens everytime I see her name popping up.
And I start brainstorming, what was he doing looking at these pictures? what was he thinking? does he miss her? why is he looking?

And realize that I want answers.

Although I realize what I did was wrong, and hurtful. I wanted to know what you were thinking.
As easy as you put it, if I just asked you and you would've told me. I guess that's not what I was looking for. I wanted evidence, support, anything that might've pointed in the wrong direction. Why? because things were too good to be true. It was too good for me to think that we're perfect together and that things will always be this perfect. Too good for me to believe that everything was smooth sailing and that there were no issues. Which led me to believe that you might be hiding something, covering your tracks, doing something that you shouldnt be doing.

I know what you're thinking, you need to trust me
And yes I do trust you- but just not when it comes to this topic. Why you may ask.
You should know why. Because from the beginning you carried the baggage from the past with you.
You should've marked the line and you didnt, which led to many of our arguments and disagreements.
And yet even months after, you still did not do what you should've done a long time ago. To cut her out of your life completely. To leave the past behind because it is not your future.
And that is your answer as to why I don't trust you when it comes to the topic.
She's the issue and it took you way too long to realize it. And I don't believe its fair for me to had to deal with all the bullshit that it put us through.

Among many other things that led to this doubt. And you did not try to make things better in any way through it all.
Remember that scrap book you promised? or that Collage? Yes I remember you said those things, but you have yet to show it through your actions.

So why should I believe the things you say to me now? If all you've done is run your mouth but never made it happen. Especially the things that was suppose to reassure me for the mistakes that you have done.

That's what caused my distrust in you. And you need to understand where I am coming from. But I can't blame you if you dont. Why? Because I never put you through the same bullshit. I was more considerate than that.

Incomplete

You've only been gone for 2 and a half days and I feel weird.
Weird as in somethings missing, something that's a part of me is not there. I feel... absolutely incomplete.
I do not feel like myself, as if I don't know who I am without you.

People always say "Distances makes the heart grow fonder" and it is quite true.
I miss you, every waking moments.
No even in my sleep because I have no one to cuddle with, fight the blanket with, push off the bed, and keep me warm!

This is what true love feels like. But although you're in a different zone, I know you're still here with me.
Keeping me company and missing me just as much.

olive you FF.

<3
GF

Flaws

I'm sorry, sincerely sorry for the pain that I have caused you with my words.
The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt you.
I did not mean the way it came out- and yes I know I have a problem with bluntly speaking my mind before filtering through my thoughts.
I know it probably means absolutely nothing by apologizing now, but I still want you know that I'm sorry.
Sorry for changing the way we are
Sorry for bringing this gap between us
Sorry for being heartless and hurting you like that
Sorry for being inconsiderate
and lastly, sorry for the doubt I created that you have about us.

I don't ever want you to doubt me, doubt us, doubt our future.
And hearing you say those words scares me. It shocks me and hurts to know that you no longer believe in us, and that we can make it to the end- together.
I don't know how much I can do right now to change your mind, to put the happy us back in your back. And lastly, to earn your trust and faith in us again.

But you can take my word that I will do my best to change, and I will act up on it. To change my "dragonesque" ways, to learn to respect others and handle you with care.
I will not treat you like my punching bag.

Sometimes, when you realize that you are going to ( or have lost) someone that you truly care about and love, that moment changes your perception. And that moment when you were going to walk out my life, I was terrified and couldn't imagine a life without you.

I've never ever thought about changing myself for anyone else, and have never felt this threatened in my life, whereas I feel that my life would end without you.

Take my plea, take my words that I will change my flaws to be a better person for you and for myself.
I don't expect you to completely forgive me yet, I will earn your faith in me and I know I can.
Because I love you so much that I can't lose you. And I won't let that happen.
We are meant to be together, forever :)

<3
FF

why can't you be the bigger person? why did you start a fight over insignificant stuff?
These are the questions that I am asking myself.
One of the flaws you have is that you have to have things YOUR way. The way you like it.
And you're like a ticking bomb. Once you get upset, you stay upset for days.
Why let something so small ruin your day or even week? Is it worth it?
You need to learn to let go, forgive and amend.
Stop being a stubborn child. Stop being a kid.
Stop playing with words and try to find arguments in them.
You have common sense and you know what I mean
but yet you will try to find the flaw in my words to win the argument.
Stop being a prick.

This is something that you need to change about yourself.
I've been patient, but I don't know how much longer I can deal with this.

end of my thought.